Day +30

I am trying to stay strong and positive... But it's not working! I am dying inside my heart is melting and the tears will not stop! I am just plain ole pissed off, at who or what I'm not sure. It just kills me to watch another of my precious babies suffer so. She is in so much pain and nothing is helping her. We were literally up every half hour last night sometimes sooner. There is now no urine, just blood and some clots here and there. I swear it's just like watching Marshall all over again like a bad episode of a pregnant woman trying to give birth. I hate hearing her say that she can't do this any more or asking me to make it stop! Cause if I could I would be there in that bed taking all her pain!! I thought I could stay positive, but I'm just so angry that this happened to her. I don't care how long we are in the hospital, I just. Want this hemorrhagic cystitis to just go away. The results if the BK virus hasn't come back yet, I feel in my gut that this is the cause of this and not the Chemo. She did so well with going to the bathroom during Chemo.
It is now that I sooooo wish that we wouldn't have come for transplant. I know that there really wasn't much other choice. Her counts were failing really badly. I still just keep blaming myself!! If only we wouldn't have come to transplant, my beautiful baby wouldn't be suffering!! They keep telling me they have changed the way they deal with this and that it shouldn't last no where as long as Marshall's did...but I don't see them doing a damn thing here.
Right now we have resorted to wearing a pullup and she is sleeping, she said she pees on herself when she is relaxed and it doesn't hurt as bad... I told her to just go don't worry that you are wearing a pull up we will change it!!

Well I guess I've vented enough for now anyway.
I don't have anything positive to say, not at this time anyway and I don't know when I'll get back for an update...going to pray and BEG God some more....although I have been... I just don't think He hears me or wants to hear me!!